the note.

So, there's this thing with the managers in my newsroom. They only like to send notes about personnel changes out when it's something good, or someone's leaving. I've been there nearly 5 years and they have NEVER sent out a note when they've demoted someone.

So last week, I sent out my own.

It was professional, concise and to the point. No drama needed.

It was a note I should have never had to send myself. My own demotion note.

But after all, they told me I could tell people however I wanted. That is how I wanted to do it. Graciously acknowledging the coworker who got promoted-- and greatly deserved it-- and telling everyone the plan...

Did it suck? yes. I didn't want to do it. But the coworker who got my show deserved that much respect at least...

Meanwhile, I'm continuing to slide down the rabbit hole that is my desire to leave. I told my mother today that I feel like there's a giant magnet pulling me away from that place. Telling me it's not where I need to be anymore. An entrepreneur I sought advice from yesterday lit the fire under me with his "well what are you waiting for?" approach... and what am I waiting for? I'm only young once. I can't be chained down by a dumb job making $47K a year. It's not worth it. There will be other jobs. But I've only got one life.

I've been talking to God a lot lately. See, this is not the easiest thing for me. I'm stubborn. Thought I didn't need him... and look where it got me. The truth of the matter is, lately I've been so overwhelmed with so many things, I just need to put off my burden and lean on him... he's propping me up at this point.

I'm quitting my job. Soon. I can't say this way. I can't stay in such a dark place. I'm planning on putting in my notice mid-May... 2 weeks. Then 2 more weeks and I'm free. I'm never looking back.

I'm scared. It's like... this big thing that I thought I needed to fulfill me... that I thought would make me whole and fill me up turned out not to be that at all. I got up close... got near it, and discovered it was filled with vinegar. Filled with every ugly thing that I don't want in my life.

I don't have another job to go to... I don't even have any solid prospects. But I do have a loving husband who for some reason is willing to put up with my unemployed self and support me in my crazy endeavor to find whatever fulfillment I'm searching for.

I'm thinking of writing a book. I've got a few thoughts mulling around in my brain. That could at least keep me occupied while I search for my next big thing.

In many ways, I'm so lucky. I'm so grateful. I'm so blessed.

So overwhelmed.

I've just got to take a deep breath, and jump.

Help.

something happened, and a switch flipped. I don't love producing tv news anymore. I hoped the feeling would wear off. that it would go away. but it hasn't. It has stayed much, much longer than I wanted it to. it hurts. it kills me. because it's always what I wanted to do... I'm not sure what i am going to do without it.

I loved it. I felt energized and challenged. Now I feel like I've aged 10 years. i have been dragged thru the depths by bad management who can't figure out why people don't want to stay there. why people don't want to watch us. i don't understand why they've watched so long.

i've been reaching out. trying to make connections. i'm not good at it. i am not good at reaching out for help. but I also know i can't write or format a resume to save my life. i have no idea even where to start on my search. fortunately i have many people who love and care for me who want to help. i hope that it is thru them that i can find a new direction.

I want to help people. sounds cliche, I know... but i want to do something with my life that helps improve other lives. that helps society and will reward me not in money necessarily (though that would be nice) but in peace within my soul. i want peace.

right now, i don't have that.

i have anxiety.